this kingdom hearts intro is timeless
Alone, I hiked to the peak of ancient El Yunque for four hours, and at the top, what I saw was a vast nothingness between here and heaven.
Trying to logistically figure out what I believed to be the impossibility of leaving New York City to experience something else. I was 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. out of an existential necessity, I tended to deeply latch onto pieces of art I saw myself in. At the time, most of this was Ben Howard, Donnie Darko, and Into the Wild, Chris McCandless. Do you see the trend between all those people? That deep dive is for another journal entry.
Much of my Lonely Planet doom-scrolling began after I first watched Into the Wild. According to the films depiction of his life, after months of traveling the US completely alone, Chris McCandless wrote “happiness only real when shared” as he died from starvation in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness.
I rolled with those five words for years after I saw that movie. It became something to live by, something to plan by, something to explore by. I went to many friends, sharing this quote, sharing this story, wanting to imprint on them what had been imprinted onto me.
While I've since shed the deep reverence this quote had on me, this 4-hour rainforest hike had me reconsider it as an adult.
What does it mean to me now?
Why was I so drawn to McCandless’ journey?
Do I still think this quote is something to live by?
Like most things, I don't think the answer is so simple..
In short, I won't fully live by it any longer.
Under his circumstances, I can do my best to imagine where he was coming from.
As in, how can your reality and experiences be confirmed / affirmed without having it shared, reciprocated, or witnessed by someone else?
Seeing their smile ignite at the beginning and end of your trailing thoughts
Breaking bread over broken traumas and life sentences.
Mutually rooting for one another while you spell out another dream with your tongue as your god given magic wand.
you are my living proof. I am your living proof. A living reminder that we exist.
In another sense, I could imagine how the intense isolation he created for himself filled a deep void within him. A necessity. A spite almost. A need to share this joy he only felt by himself during his trek. For those words to come into his being moments before reaching death.. There must be truth to it, right?
Maybe he really meant “no I was wrong, happiness is only real when shared.. I cant do this by myself”
On my way to El Yunque’s peak, I was happy, I was scared, I was determined, and I was alone. Ive been alone a few places that were far from the basement I grew up in. In many moments it’s only been my mind, spirit, and body ive had the privilege of sharing my happiness with. And all those moments were as exceptionally real as the ones I shared with others.
commissioned cover for Syndey, "Bad Habit"
Finalized logo for VICEGRIP
its peaceful to allow myself to sit in gratitude.
on the drive home from titis damn near every light was green...
the moon hung shiny in the periphery of the windshield.
i have a wonderful system of support... I'm so held by my peoples it overwhelms me sometimes to realize all the love that sits in this body.
it overwhelms me... what other force of the world could I ask to be overwhelmed by other than love?
I've been avoiding writing in my journal.. its been about damn maybe two months.. haven't written since the break up.
as my eyelids fight to stay open ill fall into this taste of absolute gratitude like the warm bed and blanket I sleep on.
Commissioned covers by me
2022
sampha
currently obsessed with this VICEGRIP logo dannika and i made. its so fucking good holy moly
my website is finally 100%
domain bought all project pages complete with descriptions of the work. Cv added about page blipppped
its February 5th 2025. 6 something pm
5 years ago my grandpa went to a rehabilitation center and never came back home.
10 years ago i was a sophomore in highschool, obsessed and distracted in all the ways that count when your fifteen.
111 year ago i was a doorman and janitor. i knew very little of what the rest of 24 would have in store for me. I knew my paycheck held down an urgency in me that would thirst for something further. I knew i really enjoyed clocking out for my dinner break. I knew what i was doing would still take me to the stars I was trying to reach. even when i was in basements sorting through trash and pooopoo.
i have a poster in my room from a lauryn hill and fugees concert i went to with my dad. it has this beautiful image of lauryn drapped in a bedazzled headdress. the poster is dated October 19th 2023. one year later October 19th 2024 i would be in the UK for my second time. I look at this poster and think about this often. how in 2023 going to the UK was not even a concept to me. only for a year later...
time is a fickle thing. it continues to elude me. i constantly live within it.. i try to wrap my head around it and all my ages unravel between me. can you believe the earth is 4.5 billion years old? can you believe it once rained for a million years on this planet? whats a second to you? another moment caught in relapse from a habit you picked up a few centuries ago. something that you just know you're about to crack.
one day ill be 30. 60. i intend to live a long life.
whats that quote? something like, make a plan and god will laugh.
i wanna live to my 80s. god and i will laugh together on my way there.
whats one more year?
Tweet from earl sweat
lyrics from "Mirage" by Denmark Vessey
im listening to negro swan on vinyl right now
i don't have twitter and though i made a bluesky account its not something i use
and Instagram can be toooooooooo aaaaaaaaaghghghghgh
I'm thinking i can start writing here again when i need to post something to the void of the interwebs
look at all these earths behind my words
i named the file of the collage "many earth" no plural
because we only have one but there many versions of earth in the spirits of the animals that inhabit this earth
right now the earth is burning
it has been for many years since before me and my many mothers moons
Testing Testing 1 2 3 one two three
pick up your microphones hahaaaaaa
pick up your microphones
yooo
how many mics do we rip on the daily
say missy minnie monnie
say missie minni minni monnie