8/31/22
I am in Hella, Iceland
Iceland. I've wanted to come here since I was 15. 15… still a young boy. I would be in MS.Robert's class studying travel techniques and tips from the lonelyplanet.com
Fantasizing… ofcourse that was a big ben howard moment for me. I was obsessed with the UK folk singer at the time and would often associate his songs with my yearning to travel.
Back then i had it in my mind id be going with _____. She seemed open to it. Wed talk about dying our hair platinum before we went and having white hair together. Back then this was just an aesthetic fantasy but now i might think of it as a subconscious attempt to blend in with the Aryan demographic.
I know now that is impossible…
Id admit.. At the time i probably had feelings for _____. Before i knew there were gray areas between friendship and romance. On thinking of spending time with her in iceland i never had romantic insinuations in mind. As in i wasnt “plotting.”
I just wanted a partner in crime. 15 years old before _____ most especially i just wanted someone to be close with because i was so often desperately lonely. I used to lay on my bed and consciously marinate in the “felt” of loneliness.
_____ was a special person in my life but i think my feelings for her were only an extension, a projection of my unsatiated spirit. And from that a rudimentary loneliness. And i didnt know what else to do with that feeling or with myself. I guess im trying to figure that “what to do with this” part out now…
Though she never reciprocated the feeling, im sure she detected it off me. And on two occasions, created some sharp distanced between us. I grew overbearing. And overly invested. I didnt know how to love.
I went on to learn of love without her.
Well… seven years later and i made it to iceland. On my own terms. 15, that was before i knew ian.
Were staying in a cabin in Hella its 50 something degrees. But the wind outside is cruel and the rain sharp. When the wind picks up you can hear it shaking the cabin. Water has seeped in through the windows and is messing with some electrical wiring. Because of this our cabin is the only one without wifi.
Despite the harsh weather the experience of being at the hand of nature is humbling. The rain is hitting the porch, the wind cooing, the cold…
I think im somehow already homesick? Only when things are calm do i realize this… before bed. When i was home, I wanted to be away for as long as i could and now that im 3 days into a 12 day trip i feel awkward by it. I know Im capable of doing it. Actually quite proud of how ive managed planning this and now that im here ive been very good with budgeting. Im writing everything down i spend money on.
Theres a food budget, a gas budget, and a misc budget. Hopefully ill have money left over at the end of the trip.
What is it exactly i miss about home? Im not exactly sure. Is it my bike? Gliding through the city? Dannika? Brooklyn? All of it?
Ians cooking breakfast in the commonspace. I'm gonna go join him and enjoy every moment of this while i can.